Keep Writing

I had an 8:00 client this morning. It’s my only client of the day, so when she scheduled, I warned her that I may show up in work-out clothes. She was fine with it (how unprofessional of me?).  When I got home, instead of the intended “work-out”, I went back to bed and slept hard.  I’m feeling blah, not sure if it’s that sleep, hormones or what, but it is raining, I’m sitting still and not feeling in tip top shape.

I’m about 19 days off of sugar and have been feeling GREAT! More energy than I’ve had in months (except for today)(which is why I think it may be hormones).  I have  literally cleaned and done things that have been on the to-do list for weeks upon weeks.

Last night I was with some women at dinner.  They are  friends with one of my good friends and I know them all.  I like them well enough, but found myself bored at dinner.  I wasn’t enjoying the conversation, nor was I interested in it.  There were a couple of good laughs, but overall, it was a little dull.  So, what did I do instead? I started focusing on food;  not a good alternative ( the dull conversation would have been more productive).  I didn’t do too much harm, I had a lovely salad after having a little bread which I hadn’t originally intended (did I mention this place serves rolls that are like crack, so having one roll and one little taste of bread was actually showing some restraint ).

One of the woman had brought some Christmas gifts and handed out Hershey bars to everyone. THAT is when I knew my disease had kicked in; I could focus on nothing but that chocolate.   Looking, thinking, imagining and dreading;  I didn’t eat it.  I handed it to my friend when we walked out and told her I needed her to take it.

We then went to see the movie Sisters; it was cute, some of them liked it more than I did. There were some good laughs which I needed.

When I got home, the compulsion got stirred up again.  I was eyeing all the  sugar in my  kitchen that hasn’t talked to me in weeks.  Eyeing like a true addict; good news is  I made it out of there clean.

I’m feeling a little better having just written it out.  I am incredibly focused on how terrible I have been feeling both emotionally and physically for the past many months from binging every.single.day.  The darkness and the heaviness is close to my heart, it hurt, it really did.  So much shame, so much self-hatred and also so much physical pain and discomfort from all of the binging.

I fear that the memory will fade.  I fear that eyeing the sugar will win over the the dark destructive memories.

Writing helps, it lifts my mood and releases the turmoil.  More writing, that’s what I need.

(Since I began this I’ve started to feel better.  I’m going to do the elliptical and then join my husband at his office holiday dinner, where, for the record, I will not be eating any sugar)

 


A ‘desk’ kind of day

In the middle of the night last night I awoke to use the bathroom, a common occurrence in this fifty year old’s body.  As I got back into my warm bed, I had these two powerful thoughts and decided I would blog about one of them tomorrow.

Here we are, tomorrow, and I’ll be damned if I can remember either of those powerful thoughts that came to me in the wee hours of the night (another common occurrence in this fifty year old’s body or shall we be more specific and say, mind).

For what it’s worth, I shall just write about my day because it has been so wonderful.  And, for what it’s worth, I will offer up another key fact that will  help inform WHY my day has been so wonderful: today is the seventh day in a row that I have not had any sugar!!!!!

On to the day.  I had NO clients today.  Exciting in some ways meaning I did not have to go to work.  Scary in some ways because it means that I did not bring in any money. And, disappointing in some ways because I love what I do.

What did I do? I did everything that I have been putting off probably since I fell into my sugar hole a good three or so months ago.  I paid some bills, reconciled my business’ Quickbooks (which can be a nightmare) and other assorted boring tasks; I had what my friend calls a ‘desk day’, clearing off all of my accumulated piles.

For months I have been knitting in front Netflix with a bowl of sugar/salt/fat/carbs next to me on these kind of ‘desk days’.   And today, I just didn’t.  I have so much energy that it feels like a high.   I know it isn’t permanent, but gosh-dolly I am going to ride it for what it is.

My big fear, that I really don’t want to go into right now and spoil my high is, what to do when the compulsion returns, when my head wants to go back into the sugar hole and have my bowl of crap?

A friend asked me the other day why I give up when it gets hard.  My first answer to her that it isn’t something that she can understand if she hasn’t suffered with Binge Eating Disorder and depression.  I then thought a minute and said that “sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fight back”.  Fight with the desire, obsessions, food thoughts etc.   I did tell her that I would ponder it. I need to ponder and do some more writing on it, but ……I have to run and do the carpool hustle, and frankly, I just want to ride the high right now.

Addendum:

4 hour later

My daughter hurt my feelings tonight.  It wasn’t intentional, but she and her brother were texting and I was driving, but included in the conversation.  We were talking about eating disorders because I had made a referral to another therapist just prior to this conversation.  At one point I said “what did he say?” and she said “none of your business”.  I was hurt at the way she responded and then wounded, because I think they were talking about our family’s, particularly, my messed up eating.  I could be wrong, but that is where my heart went.

I got home and went right to the food.  Not my traditional hard core all out binge, but certainly enough to feel yucky now both physically and emotionally.  And to top it off, I have shut myself in my room pouting as all mature fifty year olds do.

Just another day at the desk……


test

test


Insanity

The definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

I do this with food again and again.  Be it a new food plan, a paid for food plan, a trick or trade of a plan, but whatever the case, I’m not making real change.

April 2014 I began a detox that took me down 60-70 lbs.   In December 2014,  I put sugar in my  mouth for the first time since April and I am now almost back to the original/highest weight.

I felt GREAT, I looked good and I was fit and clear and clean.

But, what I don’t know is was this “detox” another move of insanity?  Was I just doing another bout of the same thing (albeit with better results for a while) without making REAL CHANGE?

The  professional that  I have worked with on and off maintains that restricting leads to binging and the way to find true recovery is intuitive eating and getting in touch with what is inside. I worry that I detoxed, rode the high for a while and did not make any real internal change.

In some ways, I feel like I ate my way back to this large size intentionally.  Granted, I am an addict and once I start with sugar, my drug of choice, it is nearly impossible to stop .  But, there is a psychological piece that I fight with, that I have always been fighting with.  Sometimes, while binging,  I get angry, I can be eating/stuffing/shoving food in with a rage. It’s as if I am saying F*** you to all of you; all of you that told me that I was  fat and, therefore,  wasn’t good enough.

Am I good enough at this weight? Can I be loved for whatever size I am? Can I love myself at whatever size I am?

Because, after this latest weight loss and gain I have been very aware that NO ONE IS LOOKING!   The only one that cares about MY weight is ME.  I have been so obsessed with 1. who noticed I lost weight and now 2. who is watching me put it back on.  And guess what, the answer is no one  gives a crap.

Now that we have that understanding, I’d like to really focus on my health.  I feel like shit in so many ways.   This is not how I want to spend my days; I want to feel good physically and emotionally.  And, that is ALL FOR ME. Really, who else would I be doing it for?

I have a lot of old tapes (50 years worth) that tell me I am fat and that is shaming and that I would be better/prettier/more worthy if I wasn’t fat.  We are now in the digital era – no one uses tapes anymore, myself included, so it is time to toss the tapes, stop listening, press mute and move on.

I have ranted.  I needed that.  I now need to be gentle with me; appreciate all that is good in me and around me and treat myself better.  I deserve to nurture myself with love and kindness and health; as I would with anyone else.   I deserve it too.

 

 

 

 

 


Shame in a bottle (no, I’m not drinking, this just popped out of my fingers)

I can only share this here, and here is where I will share.

I just texted my sister upon our annual trip to the family lake house

“fyi- i’m fat again, don’t want you to be surprised when I lug around this weekend”.

And in one fell swoop she responded with humor and acceptance that brought me to tears

“more of you to love”.

And that is where it is.  I shame, I project my shame assuming that everyone is as wrapped up in my binging, weight gain and/or loss as I am and I do lug around feeling heavy and sad.

Yes, I lost 60 pounds and yes I have regained about half of that. I am lower than I was, but I fear I am heading back.  I binge, I say I’m done, I make proclamations and I binge again.

I don’t do much mindful or make any of the real changes that I’ve been taught.  I think I lost the weight, not sure really how, other than when I was in that place I was as shocked as the next person.  The sad thing is that I’m not shocked at the re-gain.

And, really, it isn’t about the number on the scale or the cute little outfits that no longer fit.  It’s about me and joy and loving myself and my people and my experiences.  There is joy to be had at any weight; I just need to find that and embrace it.

If you’re still here and reading; thank you.


I’m doing it, I’m doing it again.

What is it I am doing? Why, it’s binging and sugar, that is what I am doing and it will ruin me.

I lost 60 lbs.  I was mostly free from the binging and craving and grazing and sugar and stuffing my face.

It slowly seeped in and now I am doing it.  Not all day every day, but I feel that it is right around the corner.

First I had rules; I went to Israel and would only eat what I couldn’t eat here; then I’d only eat what I had brought back that they didn’t have here.  Then it was, well, it’s the holidays. Now, jeez, there are no rules; it’s clean for a few days (or less) and then right back at it.

My oldest son is home and  I do think that there are some buttons being pushed with him home.  He is going abroad this semester and doesn’t leave until the end of January.

I can’t blame him, but I do see some old patterns of my eating and numbing out when I get upset with him.

And, I’m tired and I’m grumpy and, the sky is blue, or it’s snowing or its cold and I eat!

Did I NOT learn anything since April? I learned what I know – I learned that I am addicted to sugar and I was really really keenly aware of it during so much of this string of clean eating.

I feel better without sugar; I look better without sugar; I behave better without sugar.

I needed to scream this out; I can NOT eat sugar.  I have enjoyed a really lovely summer and fall with eating beautifully, shrinking and using my body in wonderful ways like yoga and running and lots of sweating.

I have felt SO good…..and I have felt the absence of SO bad; the shame and the darkness and the depression. It is awful and I have been free from it.  It is good to write this as I am detaching from how bad I felt and forgetting the shame and sadness I experienced every.single.day.

I’ve been focusing a lot on the physical.  How badly I feel from the sugar, how my stomach is a wreck.  But, recently, I’ve forgotten about the emotional pain from being so heavy;  it was really really bad.

And, I’ve really enjoyed looking better.  I’ve bought some fun new clothes and felt good in them.

Okay, reality check! I do feel better in this body than sugar tastes. If only I can allow that to seep into every being of my soul.

I’m going to work on it!


Wheelin’

This morning in my amazing yoga class where I did a “wheel” for the first time ever (I may have done one in elementary school, but that was really a different life ago)

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I recreated the scene at home on my daughter’s new mat. My head is off the floor, I promise, the hair is just blocking it

we ended in savasana, the time when you lay on your mat and supposedly meditate.   When I wasn’t thinking about the turkey meatballs I was going to make for dinner or my 2:00 client, I did have some introspective meditative moments.    I had this vision of my  current body soaring out of my core; it was weird, it was emotional and I need to write about it.

A few years ago, my sister and one of my dearest friends became health coaches.   They, and many other people who I know, were certified through the Institute of Integrative Nutrition.   They learned about nutrition and the body and all sorts of healthy eating; and they implemented it into their lives.  And, I heard about it; sometimes it felt like stereo, when your best friend and your sister are doing the same thing, you can be sure you are going to hear about it.  This, of course, while I was in the worst eating place and highest weight I had ever been at.

In April, my friend (who is local, as opposed to my sister who lives in another state)(not that that slows down the stereo input of information) created a 21-day detox program.  I still can  not believe that I tried it, but I did.  I eliminated caffeine, gluten, dairy, alcohol, sugar, fried and processed foods.  I kid you not, I could not string more than a  few hours together without bingeing, let alone twenty-one days.

It has now been six months and I have lost 55 pounds.  I am literally in shock.  I have NEVER lost that much weight.  And, I am genuinely petrified; will I be able to maintain this healthy life style?

I am the person that peers keenly at anyone who has dropped a significant amount of weight; I study them, I envy them and I stare.  I always imagine that I’m the one that had significant weight loss when I see people whose bodies have transformed.  As of today, that person is me and I am having a visceral feeling in my heart as I type these words.

So, as I had my meditative moments in yoga today, I was able to embrace the “lightness” that I feel.  Both the physical lightness ( I could have NEVER lifted my heavy body off the ground to make that wheel) and the emotional lightness.  The body 55 pounds ago lived, breathed and ate shame.  Every time I looked in the mirror, I inhabited shame.  Today while on my yoga mat, I saw my old body, hating it and feeling so ashamed.   I saw the millions of binges I had on a daily basis and was overcome with disgust. I saw my enormous chest and hunched over shoulders and back; the things I hated most when I looked in the mirror.

Today I am light.  My old “thin” clothes are too big.  I am exercising 4-5 times per week (and enjoying it)(well, most of the time).  I am not ashamed, I am proud.  I am excited.  I am also just me.  I’m the same me that I was 55 pounds ago, but I am happier and free from the dark cloud of shame and anger that haunted me for the last ten years.

In January I will turn 50.  I have had thin thirties, fat forties and I am hoping for fit fifties.  I have not written for this blog in a long time, but that meditative state really hit me today and I knew I needed to put it into words.

 

My daughter's Bat Mitzvah 4/5/14

My daughter’s Bat Mitzvah 4/5/14

October 25, 2014

October 25, 2014


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