I haven’t been writing here much. I have been working on my professional blog which I am happy to share if you would like (let me know in the comments and I will message you privately).
Thank you, Mrs. Fatass for always keeping it real!
I am feeling some sadness today. I think writing my help to flush it out, or at least look at it. For one, it’s grey outside, that is often a trigger for me. I wanted to go back to bed after all the buses left, but I didn’t. I am having a quiet morning, but I didn’t go back to sleep. I treated myself to the Today Show over coffee which I can look at as self-care rather than wallowing.
Where is this sadness coming from? I had a GREAT weekend. I was VERY productive; cleaning, yard work, socializing, errands etc. It was good, I had energy, I felt good. There was one moment where my 14 year old was being a 14 year old. He claims that he doesn’t like to socialize, my hunch is that he feels awkward initiating socializing, but when his friends tell him what to do and where to be, then he is happy to participate. Kid #1 was out of town. The plan was for #2 to hang with #3 while myself and the hub. went out with some friends. Suddenly #3 was invited out. My heart dropped for #2 (said 14 yr. old). I didn’t want him to be alone. I saw some sadness in him, but he wouldn’t dare say so. I invited him out with us, clearly not the right answer. Hub then got on me to leave him alone “what kid wouldn’t want to be home alone watching tv and reading comic books?”. Perhaps I was having visions of some of my own adolescent moments; wanting to be out, but somehow it not always happening. Perhaps I really was feeling my son’s angst, perhaps I was just being a hormonal 40+ year old. I don’t know, but I do know that I teared up when telling our friend about it, and I was thrilled when she suggested bringing him home dessert. Doesn’t a cupcake always solve the world’s problems?
Fast-forward to Tuesday morning, re-enter the work week. I exercised, felt good about my outfit (priorities people) and went off to a meeting which was just dandy. Then, I got to my office. I had had several cancellations and realized I didn’t have as many work clients as I had thought I was going to have. Panic. Is this new endeavor I am on going to sink? Will I be able to pay the bills? Should I have stayed at my old job? Was I only a success because my old job supplied me with work?
I became stressed. I found myself eating out of the nut jar that I have stored away for emergency snacks. This was not an emergency snack, unless you call fear of financial demise an emergency.
When I got home (earlier than usual due to lack of said clients), I proceeded to overeat, yes, I guess we can call it a binge, although not to the extent that my binges had been. (Until yesterday I had been binge free for 2 weeks).
(Side note: I just called my credit card company to inquire about a bill and spoke to the perkiest representative in Washington State where she informed me she was based. She hopes that I have a “phenomenal” day. I thanked her and wondered about her expectations. I am hoping to get through the day with less sadness, phenomenal would be a huge reach).
I digress….. ok, so why am I feeling sad this morning? Post-mini binge, stress about work, grey day, tired just from having to get up so damn early, ah…emptiness. This is the first morning in a week that I have been alone in the house. Although that can be a great thing (see above, hub would have me watching tv and reading comics) it leaves me with MYSELF. Often I am my worst enemy. I am forced to feel, be, and not be distracted as one of my clients told me yesterday, she is more depressed when she is not distracted.
I faced the morning with needing to make my own structure, thus my first inclination was to go back to bed. I pushed that aside which is actually a positive thing, but then was left with the tasks of the day (groceries, Target: #2 needs a black shirt TODAY by 5:00, he was informed of this YESTERDAY at 4, and finding some kind of dinner to be made since I am working this afternoon) and my feelings. Feelings of not wanting to do the tasks of the day, and just some bubbling sadness.
I had bubbles of sad last week and didn’t write about them. I thought a lot. I wondered if the not binging was bringing the bubbles to the surface. It makes sense. What are these core bubbles, those which I have tried to pop with chocolate and goldfish for the past year?
There is so much black and white, extremes, on and offs in my heart. I’ve been talking with my new young therapist via this phone group for bingers that I am participating in and we are talking about the dimmer switch. In stead of being all ON or all OFF, I could dim, I could use moderations, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I shall try to dim my way through this day. Feel the sadness if I must. Pause, pause, pause and move with intention. Be aware and be mindful instead of walking through the day in a numb stupor. A little sadness won’t kill me.
I slipped away. I came back and peeked. I am here sometimes. Why this path? I don’t know. All I know is that there are no “shoulds” in my blog journey. There are so many “shoulds” in life that I’ve made this one free of “shoulds”. I “should”: eat healthy, exercise, be kind, clean the house, manage my money. F*** the “shoulds”. Blogging is a “want”.
Sometimes I really miss it. Sometimes it makes me feel bad, like a failure, stupid, I know. I may read a success story and think “why am I NOT that story?”. Dumb.
I’ve had about a week and a half of binge free eating. It is wonderful. I don’t trust it, but I’ll ride with it. Maybe that is why I started lurking on some of my old favorites blogs again. It is amazing how just refraining from binging makes me feel so much better about myself. I stand taller, I feel more confident, the body in the mirror looks different. The outside weight didn’t change, but the inside muck is more clear. It’s a good feeling.
I don’t know if engaging in the blog world makes me feel better or worse. Sometimes I like the connections, the support, the laughs. Other times I feel self-conscious, ashamed, heavy and like a failure. But, clearly, it is not the blogs or their writers that bring that on, it is me. I guess I will just monitor how I feel and take it one day at a time.
I need to write. I am avoiding writing. Sometimes I journal, it really brings up the dregs, sometimes I blog, for fun, I know there is an audience (sometimes), but ultimately, I just need to do it (didn’t Nike say that?) for me.
I did the Binge Eating Disorder phone group the other night, with the new young therapist and it was really good. I didn’t know what to expect and I was really nervous beforehand which is bizarre to me. I am the Queen of all things Therapy (and all things everything in this Queendom), I was shocked by my nervous stomach, my obsessive looking at the clock and my wondering if I would be able to figure out the conference call code. Then, poof, it was fine. The new young therapist was very good, very calming. I was sitting in my room, in dim lighting, very calm, very zen and listened. There were two other women in the group, I think another one will join, but was unavailable that night. We each introduced ourselves and told a little bit about our relationship with food and what our goals were.
As she spoke, I was trying to visualize my relationship with food.. The next day we were sent an email to address our monthly goals. One was to talk about our relationship with food. It was then that it came to me. My relationship with food has been like an abusive, dysfunctional co-dependent marriage/relationship. There is mistrust, lying, cajoling, beating, promises, pain, fake joy, anger, sadness, renewal and repeat. How f-ing sad is that?
I then talked about a divorce or better yet, a healing. It would be nice if I could heal with
my lover food.
I felt good about the group that night. I like it because it isn’t a diet, there are no weigh-ins or counting calories. I love the idea about addressing the relationship with food. So many times when I met with the therapist alone she would talk about these ideas, and what it was that the binge was saying or telling me. It’s a new language, a new way to look at it. It could be healthy and healing.
One woman on the call said that she looks “normal” and may first thought was “screw her, what is she here for”? Then she talked about the tormenting that the binging did to her and I realized, that’s why she is here, she is in as much pain as I am in, she just isn’t showing it in her jeans.
Would I trade with her, you bet your sweet size 10 jeans I would. I don’t minimize her pain, but I sure as hell would take the pain with a smaller ass. For now, that’s not meant to be, I am meant to figure out my path, but a Queen can be honest now can’t she?
I clearly have not been into writing much. Haven’t been reading a lot of blogs either.
For the moment, I’ll say hi.
I am obsessively trying to start something in my work world. I got really excited about a space and it may not pan out. I spent the day yesterday online virtually decorating this fictitious space only to find out at 10:00 pm that the space probably fell through. I wasn’t terrible disappointed, a little, I will admit. It was fun though, looking for furniture etc. Visualizing, being creative. Fun! And all this without spending a cent.
Tonight I am starting a phone group with this new therapist that I have gone to three times. It is a phone group for women who binge eat like I do. I have no expectations. Ok, yes I do. I hope that it helps. I think it could be a little weird, on the phone. Actually, groups in general can be weird for me. But, I’ll give it a go. It can’t hurt.
That’s it for now. Short and sweet. That’s me, ha!
I’ve had ups and downs since my last very dark and sad post. I enjoyed almost a week binge free and I was over the moon. It was slow and I was aware of what was going on and felt really good.
As I tend to do, I f— things up. I overate Saturday, binged yesterday and have been on the slippery slope today.
What trips it one way or the other? What happens when I am planning to be aware and I jump into a mountain of cookies?
What happens when I go from dark to joyful to mediocre in a span of days? How do people stand to be around this roller coaster of person we know as the Queen Wackadoo?
I wish I had written in the middle of the happy binge free days. I was all peppy and skippy. I’m not back in the dungeon, but I am not skipping along either.
I kind of went into a cave last week. Is there such a thing as the Queen’s cave, as opposed to that darn man cave I hear so much about? (that darn man’s cave is the living room in the this Kingdom, once in a while I get to steal a moment or two with the beloved remote, but it is mostly programmed to all things sci-fi).
I hibernated. I slept. I stayed in sweats and bra-less. I struggled to shower (but, I did). I binged. I embraced the true classic definition of the word depression. I did get my period on Tuesday; that helped to make sense of the darkness on Monday, but it didn’t completely stop it all.
On Wednesday I went to a new therapist. I swear, I felt like I was cheating on my old one. I have seen my old one on and off since the early 90′s. That is as long as my marriage. Truthfully, I started seeing her when “he” was just a boyfriend (now the father of the royal subjects). I haven’t really seen her regularly in several years, I tend to have an annual crisis when I call her and say “I need to see you NOW, or rather YESTERDAY”, but otherwise I punt it alone.
I’ve been feeling more depressed, my eating has been more out of control and someone suggested I try a different therapist, perhaps one who specialized in eating disorders. I mulled over this for about 6 mos and probably another 15 lbs and finally went this week. I mostly liked her. She was younger than me. That was interesting. That happens as I age, but it is weird. I have more life experience, parenting experience, and eating experience than her. But, in this field, she has more experience than me. I need to shut up, turn off my judging and learn what she has to teach me.
I was able to ingest a lot of what she had to offer. The binging hasn’t stopped, but I have been feeling more gentle with myself since I saw her. So, when I slept a lot yesterday and read and was bra-less until I had to leave the house at 5:00, I wasn’t beating up on me. Progress, right?
(For the record, I had showered and was with bra by 11:30 today, have changed the sheets on all the beds in the house and am on my second load of laundry, check this Queen out!)